Title says it all
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Extremely nerdy:
- I accidentally gave a guy a BLJ instead of a BJ and he got launched up the fucking stairs
Slightly less nerdy:
- Hey did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? It’s a Pretty Nuts Story!
A skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop.
One more, I’m sorry.
I’ve been making wine at home but I make it out of raisins so it’ll be aged automatically.
A duck walks into a bar wearing one shoe. The bartender says “hey buddy, you lost a shoe” and the duck says “nah, I found one!”
This joke is all class. Well done
Okay, now that’s good.
I knew I wasn’t gonna be the first child born, even before I was born. There was graffiti in the womb. ‘Bob was here.
I don’t get it
Well the fetus is in the womb, then it builds upon how you see the ‘x was here’ graffiti everywhere to show that someone had previously been there. And since someone was there already you can’t be the first born.
ah I see
I’m going to court next week. I’ve been selected for jury duty. It’s kind of an insane case. 6,000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant …I don’t think they did it. I know a few of them and they wouldn’t do anything like that
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
-Mitch Hedberg
Mitch is very heavily influenced by Steven Wright!
I know! It’s that deadpan delivery that really sells the style.
Did you ever watch Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs? Steven Wright does the voice over narration for K-Billy’s Super Sounds of the 70’s!
Yep yep yep I’m also the one who always goes around telling people that 😂
I called the wrong number today. I said ‘Hello, is Joey there?’
A woman answered and she said ‘Yes he is.’
And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’
She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.’
I said 'Alright, I’ll wait
I’m sorry for spamming Steven Wright jokes. I’ll stop now
I used to like Steven Wright.
I still do, but I used to, too.
I broke a mirror in my house, and you’re supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
What do you call ten thousand lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
A good start.
Two pirates walk into a bar, err sorry, two POLICEMEN walk into a bar.
The bar is a shady sort, classic barkeep spits in a glass, and polishes it with a dirty tablecloth.
The policemen sit down each on his own bar stool, but the stools have been recently polished, and one of them slips falling on the floor and snagging his pants on the stool, making them drop to his ankles.
The other policeman in an effort to help his partner, reaches down to help, only to be pulled down by his partner, snagging his own pants while falling and landing crotch-to-butt on top of his partner! Now this is starting to stir up quite the commotion and people are starting to notice this trouble. They both start writhing with pants snagged trying to stand up only for the rubbing to accidentally escalate into a bit of sweaty greasy butt-action, making things even more awkward for the already red-faced policemen! At this point they start pushing and grunting trying there hardest to wriggle out of this position.
spoiler
Then the barkeep shouts: “I KNEW IT, YOU ARE PIRATES!”
A guy told this at a stand-up competition broadcast live a few years ago and nobody in the audience laughed, and nobody watching with me, except for me. It’s still one of my favorites :D It kind of has to be told verbally and the more time for “The aristocrats” style shenanigans you have the better. I like to tell it at meetings with clients and then enjoy the crickets once nobody laughs except me :D
Oh, man, I love The Aristocrats joke. Used to have a DVD of that one with a lot of comedians telling their own versions of The Aristocrats joke.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats_(film)
I think this one
I’ve never seen this and had no idea that’s what it’s about. Absolutely watching that.
It’s worth it. Have fun!
I had fun. Thank you.
Good to know!
Why did the farmer win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
I like to stand around somebody until they give me attention then I just Gangnam style on em. It drives people soooo mad.
How do you get down off of an elephant?
YOU DON’T! You get down off of a duck!
An English breakfast has up to 9 ingredients, an American breakfast as many as 10, but in France 1 egg is enough.
(Un œuf sounds like “enough.” That’s the joke.)
I asked my North Korean friend how things are back at home.
He said he can’t complain.
