I don’t fit very well with the idea of masculinity. I’m just a goofy nerd with a gentle personality and the desire to make others happy. I have always wanted to look soft and approachable; I have smooth, rounded facial features, wavy hair, big glasses, and a clean-shaven face. My personality is utterly non-threatening. I love caring for people, I enjoy being silly and whimsical, I’m a bit clumsy and get flustered easily, I wouldn’t hurt a fly (unless I had to), and I’m polite to a fault. My paradise is a warm, cozy, quiet safe haven surrounded by cute plushies.
I’m not manly in the slightest, and I love being that way. I’m a total softie through and through, and I purposely align my appearance with my personality. I look gentle because I am gentle.
I have always been treated differently than my male peers. Many people are inexplicably nicer or softer on me even if they barely know me. Female friends have fawned over me, calling me things like “cute,” “adorable,” and “sweetheart,” and expressing a desire to protect me. And I love it. I don’t find it offensive or infantilizing at all.
Through extensive introspection, I later figured out that care and nurturing are incredibly attractive to me, and the funny tickle I felt whenever I was shown care and protection by my female friends was actually a subtle tinge of attraction. It’s rather curious that my personality and gender expression just happened to develop in such a way to subconsciously solicit that kind of attention.
This is all well and good, but I worry that this makes me categorically unsexy due to my intentional suppression of gendered characteristics and desire to give off pure, wholesome vibes. Could I really be sexually desirable if I’m the kind of person who apologizes to trees for bumping into them? Some women have even teasingly called me a “Christian” or “virgin” because of this perceived innocence, suggesting that some people do indeed associate my personality with sexual restraint or abstinence.
In reality, I absolutely do want a sexual relationship, and I have always imagined myself treating a partner with the same gentle caregiving energy that I myself crave. I don’t do “naughty” or “dominant”; I would view a partner’s body as something to passionately take care of, not something to tease or conquer.
I would appreciate some outside perspective on this. Thanks!
You are living during the time of masculine emancipation my friend. Men are allowed to be cute af these days and more and more women are catching on that this is a good thing. Some of the guys I know who register this way have found a lot of success dating in the non-binary scene where gender expectations are more generally negotiable. Non-binary circles are encircled with exterior connections of cis communities who have a more dynamic understanding of gender so if you are in a market to find likeminded souls that’s where I would look.
And also… Cute is sexy. It’s not everyone’s vibe but there’s definitely a desire out there for true gentlemen emphasis on the gentle. Most of the cis ones I know are married to ride or die partners whom exude an aura of sweetness out to 20ft.
I didn’t have the guts to post when I first read this, but as someone who like Hello Kitty, Power Puff Girls, Totally Spies, and many other cute things, it feels pretty damn good knowing I’m not alone. Your post is very relatable to me. Society paints this weird picture, I think—but damn, so what if I think it would be nice if a girl wanted to give ME flowers? I like flowers!
Fuck society, @sprigatito_bread@lemmy.world ! Let’s live our way!
Thanks for making my week. 🙂
This is how you end up in an abusive relationship…
Fuck this “manliness” bullshit. Wear a skirt. Punch anyone who makes a thing of it. You do you, boss and you do it to be happy with yourself. Nobody else gets to decide that. Nobody.
I fundamentally disagree with your premise. Being caring, vulnerable, gentle is in no way incompatible with being manly. All require a lot of courage, strength, and intelligence. I do not think that manliness should be defined by its most toxic representatives.
I also heard an interesting take on this: we technically do not have a definition of what “manliness” means, as currently society is built around hating and oppressing women. Boys are told “don’t be a girl”, pretty much - don’t cry, don’t be ‘emotional’, don’t compromise, etc.
I think you should be grateful that you weren’t indoctrinated into being an abuser and instead managed to become a “real man”.
If you have trouble breaking the friendship barrier, consider getting in touch and expressing your romantic side more, because the qualities you describe are super attractive
there is a billion dollar market for boy bands all over the globe, all of whom have a member who looks like your description.
In aesthetics - yes, people of all genders and orientations like that look/style in their chosen inamorata.
Don’t feel bad for being cute, you do you - which also may or may not be the dream of a woman 1+ ft. taller than you.
Alas, that’s a tough find given that I’m over 6 feet tall, but the idea of a shorter woman making herself taller to kiss my forehead (by standing on a step or stool) somehow became even more appealing to me lol.
Woman here, you sound cute. in a good way <3
A term for a similarly related self-appraisal popped up in the early 2000s of Metrosexual. Obviously it has faded, but was for a time a steadfast declaration by plenty of men at the time (I was one of them). I’m old now so my pulse on such things has waned - but hell yeah, brother - you do you! That’s always attractive imo.
Cute? like a baby turtle!!
Here’s the top 3 things that the Lemmy community loves the most:
- Linux
- The though of elon musk getting hit with a blue shell in Mario kart
- Femboys
So you’re good
(jokes aside any aestethic choice will be attractive to some people and a turn off for others, so you might as well be whatever makes you feel good)
As a man, men think women care about looks more than they do.
Looks are much bigger for men than for women.
Obviously a massive generalisation, but in general. Like “men are physically stronger than women”. Not all men are stronger than women but…
Anyway.
Looks really don’t matter that much. I’d say women pay more attention to personality with the same difference as there is between how much men value looks vs how women value looks.
Also, if I was being very crude, I’d say “status” is the “looks” for women. That’s what you get very beautiful women with older rich men more than you do young hot men with old riches women.
But I’d like not to be crude so disregard that last bit.
I can’t speak for all women, but looks for me are a yes/no binary, but a primary filter. So if a guy looks good enough, attractive to me, then I can be attracted to him if he’s attractive in other ways. But there’s no bonus for better than good enough, better looking doesn’t matter at all. It is quite important - nobody has ever moved out of the appearance “no” bucket into the “yes”. But there is no 1-10 scaling, no consideration beyond the yes/no, I’m never going to be more attracted to a man just because he’s gorgeous.
Yes you can! There are many straight femboys for example
Leaning into this will probably garner attention from the right sort of women for you. The ones attracted to “traditional masculinity” (which is kind of a trap in some respects anyway) probably wouldn’t be attracted to you sexually in the first place, based on what you describe here. So you don’t really lose anything by what you plan to do. Go for it!
And if anyone gives you guff about it, tell them to fuck off (or whatever response appropriate to your vibe, but carrying a similar message, would be).
I am certainly not in your target demographic, and personally yeah it would be a turnoff but it would be really stupid for you to try to change and be unhappy - you don’t need everyone to appreciate you in a romantic way, you only need a few admirers, right?
Looking at the people my kids date (more likely your age) they don’t seem to have the preference for “manly men”, none of them. They like guys who are not afraid to be soft, not afraid to wear nail polish or look ‘girly’ or whatever, they seem to find guys who do the Masculine thing actively off-putting. So you are in a good cultural moment I’d say. I think you will do fine being yourself, also never think it’s a weakness to be gentle and caring. Most people want to be taken care of to some extent, just make sure this isn’t a one-way thing, you take care of them too.
