I grew up in a rough household. We had holes punched into the walls, doors torn off the frames, my siblings and I saw regular abuse, and as a kid I constantly felt like I had to do things to keep the family held together.
I felt like I was treated by my parents as a servant. They constantly threw away anything I remotely liked, and continued stacking chores on me, especially those that weren’t my own mess. They gave me the boot shortly before graduation, and long story short, I finally got a place for myself after years of effort.
I just can’t shake this feeling though that things are painfully unfair. Like you escape hell after all these years, and the first thing expected from you is to find a job. I get it, you need to work to make money and pay the rent and bills but… why me? Why after all this time of putting up with the crap you have instead of being a kid are you just expected to step in line like everyone else when you never got that opportunity to find who you are and simply enjoy life for what it is.
I don’t know, is this lazy? It’s not that I don’t want to work, but why can’t I be a kid? Why can’t I have some time to reclaim what all was taken from me and have some time to enjoy myself rather than grasp at random short memories I had before I was 5? Everyone else got it, why not me?
I don’t know, am I just rambling about nothing?
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sure you can do that but how will you shelter and feed yourself?
Who said life is fair? Like that place you finally obtained after years of searching? Want to keep it? Probably need money to pay for it. Being bitter about it won’t change that fact so you need to figure out how to accept it and move on to improving your quality of life. Get an education/learn a trade, get a hobby or 2, make friends along the way and get some therapy from a professional to work on your trauma.
Choosing to be miserable instead of facing reality and working with it will only make things worse for you. Your misery will fester and grow. People will sense it and either avoid you or try to take advantage of it. Your past will dictate your future. I don’t think you want that so good luck.
Spot on. We all have our own demons. It’s up to us to overcome them and make a life for ourselves. Life is not fair, some get it better, so e have it worse, but it’s for each of us to conquer ourselves
Life is learning that no one looks out for you, no one is going to swoop in and make it easy. Nobody wants to go to work, but we all do anyway. I’d love to take a year off, but then I’d probably go homeless, so I don’t. I can wish it all I want, but it isn’t going to happen.
So, I could be resentful that others may have it easier, or I can enjoy my days off how I want and put in my time as I go. C’est la vie.
I get your frustration with this kind of attitude. I also felt like a reality check was warranted. However, when people are evading or grieving about something, even if being childish, in my experience it’s usually better to validate their feelings first and then compassionately convey the harsh realities that they must face for their own sake and perhaps that of others.
Slapping people with the harsh truths they have trouble dealing with can do wonders for our frustration, but i think it’s not the best approach for those who need some guidance.
An extreme version of this would be the father that yells at his child and tells him he will never amount to anything with this attitude, in frustration, as a response to the kid’s depression. I was this kid.
Conflict tends to create resistance, you know? He was right too, but not a great way to convey his message.
I try to go with the following algorithm for this kind of situation: remind self of importance of compassion -> validate feelings -> convey perspective -> advise
Just my 2 cents. Hope you have a good week.
edit: some clarifications.
There’s no frustration in my comment. Why would I even be frustrated? I’m speaking plainly about reality. Taking offense to that is a luxury OP doesn’t have, and the faster they realize this the better their outcome will be. In my experience working with people in OP’s position, trying to soften the message gets interpreted as platitudes, insecurity, and untrustworthyness which only gives them reasons to doubt or blow off the information. No bueno.
Well, I don’t know. Maybe you’re right. You just didn’t offer any acknowledgement of the difficulties OP faced, which didn’t sound like a picnic. People tend to have trouble finding empathy when they’re frustrated, stressed or in any kind of distress really. This and some of the wording in your final paragraph is what gave me that impression.
But yeah, I don’t know what’s best or what you were feeling when you wrote it. You may have a better idea than I do for all I know and you’re free to disregard my comment.
I’m not the advice police or anything. Just someone who thinks compassion helps communities grow healthier and was chipping in.
Either way, have a good week.
Either way, have a good week.
and you as well.
well said!
You’re not rambling about nothing, and yes, you got dealt shit cards by the croupier of life. Lots of people have it easier in many regards. I can understand your frustration and resistance. You got robbed of your childhood and that sucks.
However, life is unfair and life is relentless and that ain’t changing anytime soon. If you don’t find a job/income source within a reasonable time frame, you’ll be back in a different kind of hell.
I understand you are grieving for your childhood, but sometimes your material situation becomes more urgent than your feelings. How urgent finding a job is depends on your personal finances and security nets available.
I suggest getting a job for your own good. Life is unfair but all we can do is adapt and look out for ourselves and those we care about.
If you play your cards right career-wise, you might be able to dedicate some time to self discovery now or more later on, when you have financial stability.
Good luck to you, friend.
You can have a job and still do the things you think you would have done as a child. It isn’t like 1/3 of childhood days aren’t taken up by school, not even counting homework.
I had so much more time as a young adult than I had in school. Except for summer break I guess.
I just can’t shake this feeling though that things are painfully unfair
It is for everyone…
Everyone else got it, why not me?
Even if your childhood was rougher than most, some had it worse. Like, I saw a story about an adult 5’9 man in his early 20s. His parent took him out of elementary school when CPS started investigating. When he was finally rescued he weighed 70lbs and his teeth were breaking as he tried to eat food, but he was too hungry to stop due to the pain.
So you very well could have had a very shitty childhood, but it’s not as bad as that guy and you’re on your own with the opportunity to support yourself.
To look on the brighter side: all the bullshit that comes with being an adult won’t seem as bad to you.
This is no different from saying “The child slaves working the cobalt mines have it worse, so buck up and be grateful!”, which isn’t terribly useful. Things could always be worse, but that doesn’t delegitimize or negate other issues. Instead of saying you could have it worse, why not instead ask how we can improve things, or even propose something?
i come from a similar place, and while I’ve been on my own for 10 years now, the crushing grief of my lost childhood has only intensified. now, the whole country i live in is trying to force me back into the same life i struggled SO HARD to escape
I’m also severely depressed and have a painful disability that i have to work through at a manual labor job. all i want, all i need, is rest. but i will probably die working, and so i grieve for my past as well as my future.
sometimes it feels like i will never truly live, and that’s incredibly painful to deal with. dont listen to people telling you to stop being bitter, i know it isnt like that at all.
try to find an understanding community, as well as a trauma-informed (very important) therapist. you may never get rid of the trauma, but hopefully find ways to cope.
If you can get by without a job, go for it.
Man, most of these replies are just the results of living in capitalism and the brainwashing it imposes.
“Work cause you have to… Unless you don’t cause you’re rich!”
The issue is, what is the immediate alternative? You can simplify your life to minimize the amount of resources needed, you can find work that feels pleasant/meaningful enough that it doesn’t always feel like a slog, you can have other people subsidize your lifestyle by working themselves (cool if said people are cool with it/there’s some mutually beneficial exchange - usually involving domestic work, which is still work -, not cool if it’s pure leeching). But ultimately, unless you come from wealth, either you or someone working for your benefit needs to work to get resources needed for living.
It doesn’t have to be this way forever, but this is reality right now. Heck, this isn’t even unique to capitalism - even in a socialist society, people still need to work, they just (theoretically) gain more of the benefits of that labour than in capitalist societies.
You got a rough start mate and I’m really sorry you didn’t get the loving childhood you deserved. You should never have suffered this, and you’re starting on the back foot but held to the standards everyone else is. It’s unfair, and it’s ok to feel that.
I never got a childhood either, so I claim it now. Things like cuddly toys, fun snacks give it to me now. I also get parented in !dadforaminute@lemmy.world and in other ways, that helps.
Ok, it sounds like you haven’t had the opportunity to process your childhood trauma, and yes, based on what you wrote it is a trauma.
I recommend going to therapy to help you process and sort out your thoughts.
You were robbed, robbed of your childhood, sadly, you can change that, but you can change it so that you don’t get robbed off of your adulthood as well.
I understand your thinking. OTOH, if you don’t carry your own weight, you make someone else do it for you, and put them through the same hell you’ve been trying to escape. That’s not fair, either.
If I were you, I would try to take some time off, travel the world on the cheap, and find my feet, maybe even make peace with myself.
Good luck!
You either work your way through life or you leech off of others. Those are the options. There are kids who grew up in war zones, sleeping through air raids and watching those around them die. They still work. There are kids who were in and out of foster care, kids who watched their parents OD, kids who were SA’d every night, kids who slept on the street. Few people have had the ideal childhood you’re describing. Those people still work. They get into therapy. They make something of their life.
Quit making excuses for your laziness. Get a job.
Most people don’t want to work.
Even people who had great childhoods often spend “the other 8 hours” trying to be kids again.
You either gotta do it like the rest of us and find time for enjoyment between work and errand, or find a way to make money off your “adult childhood”. Neither is easy, but you’ve been through a lot, so you’re obviously capable of doing difficult things.
It might help if you schedule time for it. That way, you can say, “On Tuesday, I’m going to do these things I missed out on as a kid from 7 to 9pm”. And then you play. Or whatever.
You need this, and everyone needs it, so don’t feel bad about scheduling it. You’re helping yourself heal.
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I enjoy work to the extent that one can enjoy something they’re forced to do. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Would I choose to do a million other things with my time if I could? Sure. But there’s nothing wrong with liking something even if it’s not your preference.
